How Do We Define Love?
“I love you because...”
It is an astoundingly complex undertaking to describe love.
“Love is an emotion.”
“No, it is a feeling.”
“Well, it is more of an action, really.”
“Maybe it is a state of being?”
A branch of theology defines love as, “To will the good of another.” I wrestle openly with that definition. Are any of these accurate? Are all of them? Maybe bits of each make up the whole? The point is how wonderfully hard it is to describe love, not to mention settling on a definition. (For clarification, I am talking specifically here of love between people. We can do another article on love of things, places, events and so on). Even harder, still, is trying to explain a particular love.
A common theme when love is portrayed in television, film or written media is to describe love by describing the things of love. The media creators need the audience to understand the love between the parties – be that spouses, friends, family members, whole people groups, etc. To make the point clear, one party often proclaims their love, beginning with “I love you because...” This introduction is followed by a long list of characteristics. I love you because: of the way you make me feel, the way I laugh when I’m with you, the way you crinkle your nose when you are being mischievous, the way you talk with your eyes (I am looking at you, Ashley Simon) and so on. It is a valiant attempt to put words to something entirely beyond the full range of the human lexicon. However, there is often much left unsaid, and not all of it is good.
“I love you because...” is the positive side of the clause. It has a shadow side, though. If I convey that my love is “because of” something, that leads into the idea that when said thing ceases, my love may (or even will) as well. Let us pause and ask, “Jason, are you overthinking this?” The answer: quite possibly! That is my nature. Before a verdict is reached, though, let me finish the argument.
“I love you because of the way your smile lights up a room.” This is a beautiful statement – and the recipient would probably show that very smile upon receiving these words of affirmation. However, what happens when a season of depression forces the smile away?
“I love you because of the way you make me feel.” Again, this is a wholesome statement. My love, though, has now become your responsibility. “You keep me feeling this way. I will keep loving you.” Of course that is not what we mean in the height of love, but what about down the road when we realize that love is a choice we must make – maybe even when someone else is not choosing it back?
I have seen this same notion play out between God and myself. “God, I love You... because You have given me a rich and full life... because You feel so close... because the sun came out after the rain.” To the contrary point, the writer of Ecclesiastes points out in chapter 12 that the sun does not always come back after the rain. Where do I turn, then, when I do not feel God close? Do I still love Him “not in word or speech, but in action and truth” as 1 John 3:18 says? Is my love for God or for what God does to me and for me?
God has taken me through seasons where He pulls back the things I associate with Him to show me that they are not Him. He does this on a corporate scale all through the Old Testament – a specific example being the Babylonian captivity foretold in Jerimiah 25-31. Historic Church authors (like St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Ávila) have called this, when it happens on a personal scale, the Dark Night of the Soul. While the name sounds menacing, it is really a time of deepening union with God. Through it I learn that my felt love for God is often an attachment to the benefits of God. I learn that the benefits of God are not God Himself, and my love is redirected to Him as He is deepened in me.
Dr. Gerald May, in his book titled The Dark Night of the Soul, says, “We are drawn to make idols of the good things of God, not knowing that it is only the nada, the no-thing of God’s very self that can truly satisfy us... [The dark night] is designed for the rebirth of the fullness of love for God, others and the world.”
This is wonderful news for us. It helps us understand love as more than an attachment to benefits or descriptors. Love is not a feeling, an emotion, a state of being or even a byproduct of something done to me. It is no longer “I love you because...”
“I love you” is a full sentence. It is a complete statement. Love is a person – God Almighty. His love for us, our very template for loving others, is Himself for us. Ephesians 3:18-19 is a good beginning place. In Christ is His infinite love poured out for us, not because of anything we’ve done but because of the worth He has assigned to each of us. The artist JUDAH. says of Jesus, “He just loves me ‘cause He loves ‘cause He loves me, just because He does.”
May His love for us be our love for self and others. May our love for God overtake our love for the things of God. May we love ourselves because He loves us. May we love others without condition - affirming their value without placing the responsibility of our love on them. And may we live in the freedom of giving away “I love you” as a full and complete statement. This is exactly what God’s love teaches us.
Church, you are so loved. - Jason Simon, Minister to Students